Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Day 70 - I Love the Smell of Teargas in the Morning

The State Religion of Masli Makes Women Free

The Grand Sphincter of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire Tey Thorn is thumbing through his photo albums.....

Thorn: I am so proud of my granddaughter who is now in faith school. She has given me her new annual class photo. She's the girl with the blond hair.


Thorn: The village children spend their days taunting me and my Mayor of Wankara on the Internet using their infernal iPhones. He is indeed more than a few cards short of a full deck but that's part of his job description. Who in their right mind would want to be public servant to the village mob - at least without kickbacks?  And so I have once again declared war on those unholy Jewish dogs at Twitter. I have abandoned plans to found my own service - TurkTwatter -- because I ended up twatting to myself. Nobody listen to me, even on the Internet and that's fucking full of like-minded wackos.  I have just ordered 6,000 villagers to volunteer and create something called mind-bending hashbags on Twitter so that the world can see the good side of Greater Istanshire and not just the brutal public beatings cuddling of protesters by my plain-clothed policemen, the delightful mutilations body modifications, the justified murders unaccidental killings and the delicious terrible teargassing deaths. Oh #BOLLOCKS! Twat that!

Teargas clouds in the night sky over the Masli paradise of Little Tallyban, Istanshire

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Day 66 - Olympian Idiots

Some Musli porn to start your day.

The Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire is monumentally pissed (off). His Caliphate has not been awarded the Olympics by the Jewish controlled Olympia Committee.

Thorn wrote: I don't understand them. Istanshire is a fantastic place to have the Games. My citizens excel in water sports thanks to the free Toma water cannons I provide. They regularly compete against my riot police in both sprint and marathon disciplines. Discus and Javelin would be absolutely no problem. My citizens excel at throwing bricks at the riot police during the nightly fun and games. My police athletes would be champions in the rifle competitions and regularly shoot protesters in the face with tear-gas canister guns from a range of several meters. Not to mention the regular marksman practice against the rebellious riff-raff with plastic bullets.

Later that day - His Most Excellent Excellency of Highnessness Thorn is with his advisers in a crisis meeting. 

Thorn: How the fuck did we lose the Olympia? You know how much that meant to me.

Toady: (Giggles) About five million dollars in construction kickbacks Efendi ?

Thorn: No no that's not what I meant. Although you are right. I mean why ?

Toady: I think the police killing the riff-raff on the streets didn't help our case Efendi.

Thorn: Yes, you are right. We should kill more of them so they stay in their homes.

Editor: Below the Under 21s national football team from heathen Swedeshire get teargassed during their national anthem before the start of the game against the Caliphate's team at the village recreation ground.


His Nastiness is in another crisis meeting. This time it is about one of the riff-raff who was killed during a night of completely censored street riots.

Thorn: He really did die because he fell off a building. It was all recorded by a security camera. Why haven't our media reported this?

Toady: They did Efendi.

Thorn: Then why are the Rebellious Riff-Raff still on the streets throwing rocks ?

Toady: They don't believe our press anymore Efendi.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Day 62 - Somewhere Over the Fucking Rainbows

His Crappola Highness Tey Thorn is not amused by the cub scouts and brownie packs of the Village of Little Tallyban. After his sexually confused speech in which he simultaneously introduced separate bathing for men and women while banning homosexuality (with the exception of men buggering male goats which is allowed under the new state religion) the kids have started painting the village in the gay colors of the rainbow.

Thorn writes: The little shits are always trying to provoke me. Everyone provokes me. That is why I have ordered the village workmen to paint over these horrendous looking stairs in a lovely municipal grey. That'll show them.

 But the more the grey men fumed and painted the more the village children painted....

Furious that the rainbow revolution went completely unopposed by his own supporters (who don't understand symbolism anyway) Thorn began to pen a revenge speech.

Thorn wrote: My riot police have suffered so much at the hands of the brownie and cub scouts. They have suffered endless provocation. Flowers thrust in front of their faces. Glasses of undoubtedly poisoned lemonade offered. And bullets. Oh yes. Real ones. Shot at my policemen.

Toady: O lord and mighty one.

Thorn: Yes, yes, yes, what do you want now ?

Toady: It is against our religion to lie. It is a sin. To lie. About um.... the bullets. No shots have ever been fired.

Thorn: I read that shots had been fired.

Toady: Yes Efendi. Our policeman shot and killed a protester.

Thorn: But our man was shooting back, surely?

Toady: If my lord wishes it so...

Later that day.....

Thorn has just appeared on a particularly smarmy TV show in which he has been praised for his achievements..... endlessly.

Thorn: Note to self. Must buy that nice TV presenter some sex lube. His butt must be so sore.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Day 58 - The Gay in the Closet - Just say yes!

His Grand and Most Excellent Excellency (etc etc) Tey Thorn is furious (again) - this time because opinion polls conducted in the Village of Little Tallyban say he is autocratic. They say he has surrounded himself with advisers who are toadies, sycophants and Yes Men.

Thorn stormed to a meeting of the party faithful: I am always open to new ideas. I call on all intellectuals to criticize me if they think I am wrong. I am not a scientist. My advisers are not Yes Men. They are all handpicked because their opinions concur with mine. And if any intellectual in the Shires should wish to criticize me me then let them have the balls to stand up publicly for what they believe is right.

Publisher's note: Understandably, those intellectuals who have not already been jailed, sued into poverty, disemboweled or deprived of their 'crown jewels' are reluctant to come forward. Undeterred, Mister Thorn continues to burrow himself deeper into the personal lives of his subjects.

He continues: From now on, gay men -- who are certainly an abomination and destined for the lake of fire in Hell -- will be prevented from being employed by the state. Homosexuality will be illegal and a jail-able offence. And I am also announcing a new building plan of separate swimming pools for men and women. No more will men have to look at women in bikinis. We are creating a nation where men and women will no longer use the same swimming pools . From now on the sexes will bathe separately to avoid any improper conduct. Imagine a world where men no longer have to be confronted by lascivious women in bikinis. I will give this to you.

The irony of announcing these two policies together goes unnoticed. After the hysterical reception by the party faithful Mister Thorn turns to his advisers.

Thorn: I no longer want Yes Men in my entourage.

Creepy Toady 1: Yes Efendi.

Thorn: Will you disagree with me if you feel I am in the wrong ?

Creepy Toady 2: Yes of course Efendi.

Thorn: Am I the greatest man who ever lived ?

Creepy Toady 3: Yes indeed Efendi.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Day 56 - The Cancer Spreads

Complicated doctoring for cancer-stricken babies is now a thing of the past in the Shires.

The self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Great Istanshire is over the moon about his new health service. With the doctors gone (arrested, jailed, fled), Mister Thorn has handed much of the healing work over to the Mami - the vicars for the new state religion of Masli. Here we see them attempting to heal a child with cancer by using holy tickling sticks.

Thorn writes: With the economy going down the boghole fast I have had to make a few budget cuts. The vicars have agreed to fill in for the doctors at the shire's hospitals and I am saving a packet. The kid is probably doomed anyway, so why spend any money on him? And as you can see my vicars have a better bedside manner.

The Grand Caliph is reading a foreign newspaper as he eats his breakfast.

Thorn: I am pleased to see that our new religious infiltration is going well in Ingerlanshire. Soon everyone will be named after the great Masli Prophet - won't that be delightfully confusing for the parents! They will all grow up ready to fight and die so that Ingerlanshire becomes part of my Caliphate.

Mister Thorn has been cutting onions again in preparation for his appearance on state TV. 

 This is from a different universe called Turkey which is ruled by a benign, wise and loving and democratic prime minister. The picture of him genuinely weeping is used for illustration purposes only.

Thorn: I am so unhappy about the tragedy of the Masli Brotherhood in Gipposhire. Now I don't have any friends at all. My plan for a Middle East-wide Caliphate in which I am the leader has all gone to the unholy dogs. I can only hope that my friend Brad Orbarma, the President of the United Shires continues to be my puppet and brings the new Sissy Regime to its knees. I have promised to deliver him a benign Masli world if he makes me Caliph with his military might. The whole world knows that I keep my promises.

And finally, dear reader, here is a guide to the present state of the Middle East in which Brad Orbarma of the United Shires is (confusingly) backing Al Quaeda rebels in Synistershire to the east. Good luck in making out why the United Shires is supporting Al-Quaeda or the Masli Brothershood.

 Photo above is for illustration purposes only and in no way represents the state of things in this universe.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Day 54 - Tey-lee Plotter and the Burqas of Doom

The famous international financial advice service Gloomberg has accused the self-appointed Grand Caliph of Little Tallyban and Greater Istanshire of being "semi-unhinged". After reading it Thorn became completely unhinged and the metaphorical door is unlikely to be rehung any time soon, even with the finest medical psychiatric assistance money can buy. The toady who brought the article to Thorn's breakfast table on a silver platter has received his reward and is quietly dripping blood onto the floor with a kitchen knife handle protruding from his chest. Actually it's not quiet. Thorn is eating his breakfast while watching the dying man's convulsions.

Thorn writes: How could they utter these lies ? Everyone hates the Jews - even God and he is supposed to love everyone. I have got rid of the hookers from the streets of the village and the shire. Glad to see the end of those sluts.

Cringing Toady 2: Lord, we thought you said hookahs. We got rid of the bubble pipes in the village bars by making a $1,000 tax on them.

Thorn:  I am surrounded by fools. No wonder there are no more infidel tourists in the shires. I have called the housemaid to clear up the blood of both toadies and told her to dispose of the bodies.

The exchange rate for village tokens is now, thanks to Gloomberg and the hookah fuck-up, plunging on the international markets but I can turn it to my advantage. Since I am going to be kicked from office anyway I will leave the next prime minister with a ruined economy and the conditions will be ripe for an irreversible Masli revolution where my people gain power for ever!

It is time for bed and Mister Thorn likes to take a little light reading from his holy book, The Horny Kola.